So, I have been making some amazing strides in my life recently and have been thinking back to when everything started to turn around for me. Back to when the depression began to clear and the haze began to lift. It was almost a year ago when my whole life began to change...in an instant! A moment of soul-bearing prayer, being still and listening to God...and then it happened...I FELT LOVE!
I always knew God loved me, he loves everyone, right? But I never felt it in my heart. I never felt the warmth and the glow that radiates from within until that day, that miraculous moment that changed everything.
I was downstairs in our living room when my husband turned on his favorite show - Dr. Oz. Typically I'm not a T.V. watcher, but this gripped my attention and wouldn't let go. Dr. Oz's guest was Dr. Issam Nehmeh. Dr. Nehmeh is a clasically trained medical doctor, an Anesthesiologist. But he practices healing in a much different manner, through acupuncture and prayer. (You can watch parts of the Dr. Oz segment, Is This Man a Faith Healer? on the Dr. Oz website.)
I stood, unmoving, in front of the television as I watched the rest of the segment. Dr. Nehmeh was very humble and gentle in his mannerisms. He answered Dr. Oz's questions openly and with ease. Dr. Nehmeh said anyone could be healed even if they were not a Christian (he is Catholic), not even religious at all. He said it was all about LOVE. I can't recall quite how he described it but it was something about God's love through him to the ailing person who...believed...accepted the love.
I was deeply intrigued, but too stunned to commit the details to memory. Then, so quickly the segment was over and Dr. Oz was moving on. I wanted more! I wanted to be healed! I shouted inside myself "Dr. Nehmeh, I want to be healed of my suffering, my life-long battle with depression and anxiety!" I turned off the T.V., spun on my heels and knelt at the bench at the foot of my bed.
The whole time as I watched this program, listened to this amazing discussion I was thinking "this could be exactly what I need, what I have been waiting for, praying for." I've always known God had the power and the desire to heal me. I knew He would in His time. I was certain He was teaching me, molding me, grooming me for something bigger than where I currently was in life. I just needed to have more faith, listen harder, or just be patient. But, why couldn't this be what He was waiting for? Why couldn't today be the day? Why couldn't now be the time that God reached down from heaven and laid His own hand on me and declared me healed?
I began to pray hard. I thanked God, I told Him I wanted to be free from my suffering. All my life I have felt rejected, unloved. I asked for this to be the day and then told God I would wait, be still and listen. Send me a miracle, Lord! Give me a sign!
And He did!
It all happened so quickly, so beautifully. I was repeating my confession of feeling lost and discarded, trying my hardest to be still and listen, when the most amazing and yet stunningly simple thing happened. God filled the dark, grey, gloom within my heart with light! It was a warm, radiant light. As I knelt there with my hands clasped, my eyes closed I could see the light. It was bright yellow and white and orange. It began at the core of me, near my heart and radiated up and through my shoulders. It evaporated the grey, cloudy gloom in an instant. The weight I had carried for as long as I can remember was gone. And, what was left in its place was...LOVE!
"I am LOVED!! I am loved by the one and only true God, the all powerful creator of the universe. I am not depressed, I no longer suffer from anxiety, I AM LOVED!"
This became my mantra. Every time I felt the haze, the anxiety, the sadness creep in I would repeat over and over to myself: "I am not depressed, I am not anxious, [pause] I am loved!" And, every time I got to the "pause", said the words "I am loved", I felt it! I actually felt love for the first time. And it was real. Not some earth shattering, bolt of lightening, form-shifting change. I didn't jump up and run through the streets crying Hallelujah! Yet I knew and I felt that I was truly healed.
The next day I met with my therapist as I did every other week. It was a glorious time sharing my experience with her, a Godly, praying woman healed by faith as well. But it would be days before I shared this with my husband. Still another year would pass before I would progress to a point of living every day free of depression and anxiety; free of medications, free of the haze and the gloom.
And, you are the first to hear my story other than the two of them. I hope it inspires you to live a better life, to seek the path God has for you and believe strongly that he will set you on that path of LOVE and joy! I hope you will leave a comment and maybe share your story. If I can pray for you let me know that as well.
You are loved and you deserve all of the goodness God has in store for you!